Thanksgiving.

Well, as many of you know I crashed my Caddy The night before Thanksgiving. As most would imagine, it got me incredibly down. I was talking to a dear friend of mine about this who offered me some sage advice. What she said to me was this:

"first, go read Philippians 4:4-9.

[4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.

9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. ]

That verse popped into my head and heart when you told me this, and I believe this is what God's speaking to you.

And after you've done that, meditate on the things that God's done for you. Everything that you're thankful for. His provision. Make a list if you have to. And as you enter in this holiday, just to focus on Him and His goodness and His provisions."

That seemed impossible to me at first, and I didn't really do it until later the next day... but I began to think about all of the things that I had been blessed with. I began to write them down even. I started a sort of Thanksgiving book that I write in periodically to remind myself of not only the great things I have, but also the importance of giving thanks.

I still wanted to see a miracle though. I had been praying for a miracle since I need a car and I don't have money. I was talking to Steve about how I needed a car and he said he had a similar problem recently, but was fortunate enough to be blessed with a jeep while his truck was broken. I replied that I was fortunate enough to be blessed with a close network of friends and family who care. I surprised myself a little when I said that.

I think that perhaps my miracle was in the fact that I wasn't hurt at all in the accident, or that I am so incredibly blessed with so much more than I could ask for--and despite not having a car I was still able to get to where I needed to be, or even simply in the fact that God taught me the importance of thanksgiving even in the bad times. It's a lesson I wish I had learned sooner, but I am glad that I have learned it. It has brought me tons of joy.

Furthermore, I hope that this might somehow help my dear readers to realize the importance of thanksgiving. I suggest that you also might write about things you are thankful for. It's a joyful experience.

Also, the insurance adjuster should finally be coming tomorrow. I should be getting a car to use while mine is being repaired. I'll still have my car eventually. God is good.

...And Laura Mounts, if you're reading this... despite our distance and how seldom we see each other, you've been a great friend. I thank God for you often. Your spirit of encouragement is a major gift and a huge blessing to all that are fortunate enough to know you. I pray that God continues to bless you and work in you, knowing that He will as you remain faithfully devoted to Him.

I think that's everything I have to say regarding this... now I have to run downstairs to reset the router so that I can actually post this. Silly internets!

I love you all. Goodnight.

A thought.

I like knowing how things work--understanding them.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never really understand people.

That scares me more than almost anything.

Sometimes I also feel like people don't want to be understood.

Why do we build such strong walls?

are we really that afraid of each other?

...or is it ourselves that we fear so much?

One team wins; one loses.

That's just the way it is when there's a competition between two teams. I don't really understand what the big deal is. I personally found myself rooting for the Phillies because that's what most of my friends an family members were doing. I never actually cared who won. I just like seeing loved ones happy. After two or however many losses they have now, I've realized that we've lost our ability to graciously accept defeat. Losing is part of competition.

It troubles me that people are upset about a recent loss. Why does the outcome of a game in which we have no stake, which is played be people we've never met, and which is viewed from many miles away have any effect on our emotions? It kind of disgusts me. People get sad because "their" team lost? I don't get it. Can anyone explain to me why we care so much? Am I the one in the wrong? Is there something wrong with being happy regardless of who wins?

When I was younger we would sometimes play baseball. On one team would be some of my best friends... the other team was no different. We never kept score. There was no need to. It was about having fun.

That's why I hate professional sports. They matter way too much to way too many people. I no longer care who wins the world series. I'd just like for it to end...

And if "your" team loses, please don't act a fool. Those players don't even know you exist.

If anyone can enlighten me, feel free... I just don't understand...

And really I think Laura is the only person who still follows this... so go ahead Laura, tell me what you think. Do you even pay attention to sports?

...I try not to...

A battle with cynicism.

Sometime a while ago I began feeling as if people didn't care... in general I found myself becoming cynical. Within the past few weeks it became more prevalent and got to the point where I began feeling distant from people... Then it escalated to the point where I began to feel distant from God as well. This was a major problem for me, and I was losing sleep over it. I spent a good amount of time trying to figure things out, but because of this distance I felt, it seemed like everything I had been doing was fruitless. I couldn't worship. Prayer seemed forced and awkward. Reading my Bible seemed like a chore that got me nowhere.

Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I was feeling cynical and depressed and started talking to anyone who would listen. Some of the people I reached out to, some reached out to me. that's not really relevant. I spoke to four people extensively on this topic over the course of time. The night it became worst, I tried to contact a few people, and only one was available at that time. We'll call this person Person #1.

Person #1 offered encouragement and reassurance. This person told me how trials were normal and how we all lose our joy sometimes--that there was probably a lesson to be learned here. This person encouraged me to surrender it all to God, and to pursue Him wholeheartedly. I think deep down inside I knew all this, but it Helped a great deal to be encouraged and reassured. Person #1 is actually a very great encourager, and a very good friend to have. Despite this advice being helpful, it was hard to hear because it's hard to pursue God when He feels distant. I know He's never distant. Sometimes it feels like He is though.

Right after that conversation ended Person #2 called me. Person #2 was incredibly sympathetic and conscious of how I was feeling. This person helped me to see that the way I was feeling was somewhat erroneous, and that despite feeling distant I was really quite loved. I knew that. I just wasn't feeling it. This person helped me ease my depression.

After talking to those two people The depression was gone, and I was able to sleep, but the cynicism was still lurking in my mind. The next day was hectic and busy. I didn't have much time to devote to thinking about it. Person #3 contacted me that day; realizing something was wrong, but not knowing what. Once we had a chance to talk about it, it had turned out that Person #3 was dealing with the exact same thing and had been for quite some time. This person was able to put in to words all the feelings I couldn't quite explain. Also, it helped to hear from someone so empathetic considering they too were dealing with it. It's nice too know I'm not alone. However, Person #3 is somebody I love dearly, and I wish they could also overcome this. Talking to Person #3 give me a stronger desire to overcome this in hopes that maybe I could help them through it if I did.

Anyway, I overcame the depression and pushed the cynicism to the back of my mind. I began to feel somewhat indifferent. I knew my joy was still missing, but I was happy... it was a step in the right direction. I still felt distant though...

Friday night at our late night worship session I was trying to get in to it, but I could not. That's when Person #4 approached me. I explained everything, including how foreign this feeling was. I also told them how hard it was to pursue God under the circumstances. This person offered some very practical advice. This person said that God wants us to be faithful--that He's never distant... even if it may feel that way. Sometimes we just need to get on our faces and tell God how much we need Him. If we feel distant, it's never any fault of His. God won't give up on us. Person #4 prayed for me, and encouraged me.

I spent a lot of time seeking God that night. I got my joy back, and I don't feel distant from Him. I'm slowly regaining my respect for people, and my cynicism is fading away. I feel loved. I'm not quite where I need to be, but I'm heading in the right direction.

I asked God for some scripture... and this is what I got (James 4):

¹What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? ²You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. ³When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

⁴You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. ⁵Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?^a]"> ⁶But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."

⁷Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I feel like God is telling me that I need to devote myself wholly to God--that I was feeling distant because He was getting jealous, and He allowed me to feel this way... perhaps because He knew I'd respond--perhaps because that's how I had been making Him feel. I hope it's not the latter. I feel terrible. I need to pursue God wholeheartedly. That's obviously the key to overcoming this. I fail a lot though... I need a lot of prayer, and a lot of help. Keep me accountable. Every time I feel like serving God wholeheartedly I fall away within a few weeks (or even days...). I don't want that.

I want to be His.
Lord help me.

Blogging?

Every time I have to write a paper I realize that I enjoy writing very much and wish I would have time to blog. Then I think about how nobody reads blogs anymore. I think that's cyclical though. If I wrote more regularly, people would read more regularly... assuming I have something worth saying.

I like to think that I do sometimes.

But there's no time for that, and that's where the problem lies. Instead of writing this I should be working on my 16 pages for class, so that's what I'll do. sorry blog world.

a petition.

For a long time I've prayed and wondered about what God's will was for me. I went through much trial and brainstorming to try to figure it out. I've often prayed to and waited for God, hoping He might reveal Himself. But within the past year or so, it seems I keep hearing from various sources that God doesn't care nearly as much about what we do as He does about who we are. I'm slowly beginning to realize what God's will is for me. Read 1 Thessalonians 5, 16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Sometimes I'm not joyful.

Sometimes I don't pray much.

Sometimes I'm not thankful.

I sin, I fail, I fall, I stumble. I forget to seek God, I forget His rules. I am far from perfect... And I'm the one waiting for Him??

All this time I fear I've had it backwards. God is waiting for ME. I'm sorry God.

...

Yet somehow even though I'm beginning to come to realize this, I'm having a hard time earnestly seeking Him. I need help. I'm looking for advice, prayer, accountability, admonishing, direction, assistance, diligence, persistence, and steadfastness. But mostly I just want the fire... and I need all the help I can get.

Because I'm not too busy. I'm just not making the time. I'm not saying it'd be easy, but it's undoubtedly doable.

Pray if you can. advise if you can. I need more than I have.

I need a strong desire and fire for Jesus.

People don't really care.

Prove me wrong.

Butterfly

I'm sorry, dear butterfly.

I thought maybe I could reach you-

Hold you in my hand.

But I cannot do that.

Butterflies were never meant for humans to hold.

Delicate flowers are their pedestal.

Welcome to the desert.

Do you think that when you're about to enter a desert that there is a clearly posted sign stating, "Welcome to the desert. There is no water here. I hope you brought your own"? Unfortunately not. That's where the harshness of the desert lies. It is not until a person is thirsty that they realize they need water.

I Lost My Sandals

Today I spent most of my day at my very attractive friend Jon's house. He had a party at his house because he's leaving for about 2 and a half months on Tuesday morning. It was a good time. It's always a good time at Jon's house. Anyhow, eventually it started raining, and we all went outside... I mean inside. I really could've just corrected that, and ya'll'd never know I made a mistake.

Uhm... I left my sandals outside. They got very wet.

Eventually we all left, and Billy was sweet enough to take me to my car. I erroneously sat my sandals on the roof of my car. I forgot about them.

Later, I heard some strange noises, and realize what was happening. I looked for a place to pull over, but none existed. I thought about turning around, but it was dark and rainy, and I was barefoot. I really didn't care enough about my sandals to go roaming around in the dark rain to find them...

So I counted my loss.

They were cheap sandals, and they had been super-glued back together more than once. I had been considering replacing them anyway...

So anyway, it got me thinking...

I realize it was somewhat irresponsible to put them on my car roof in the first place. that's not what we're discussing. The questions I have in mind are these:

Which is more irresponsible: leaving sandals in the road, or wandering around barefoot in the dark rainy night looking for them? What would you have done? What if it was something expensive? What if it was a bag of trash? What are your thoughts?