A battle with cynicism.

Sometime a while ago I began feeling as if people didn't care... in general I found myself becoming cynical. Within the past few weeks it became more prevalent and got to the point where I began feeling distant from people... Then it escalated to the point where I began to feel distant from God as well. This was a major problem for me, and I was losing sleep over it. I spent a good amount of time trying to figure things out, but because of this distance I felt, it seemed like everything I had been doing was fruitless. I couldn't worship. Prayer seemed forced and awkward. Reading my Bible seemed like a chore that got me nowhere.

Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I was feeling cynical and depressed and started talking to anyone who would listen. Some of the people I reached out to, some reached out to me. that's not really relevant. I spoke to four people extensively on this topic over the course of time. The night it became worst, I tried to contact a few people, and only one was available at that time. We'll call this person Person #1.

Person #1 offered encouragement and reassurance. This person told me how trials were normal and how we all lose our joy sometimes--that there was probably a lesson to be learned here. This person encouraged me to surrender it all to God, and to pursue Him wholeheartedly. I think deep down inside I knew all this, but it Helped a great deal to be encouraged and reassured. Person #1 is actually a very great encourager, and a very good friend to have. Despite this advice being helpful, it was hard to hear because it's hard to pursue God when He feels distant. I know He's never distant. Sometimes it feels like He is though.

Right after that conversation ended Person #2 called me. Person #2 was incredibly sympathetic and conscious of how I was feeling. This person helped me to see that the way I was feeling was somewhat erroneous, and that despite feeling distant I was really quite loved. I knew that. I just wasn't feeling it. This person helped me ease my depression.

After talking to those two people The depression was gone, and I was able to sleep, but the cynicism was still lurking in my mind. The next day was hectic and busy. I didn't have much time to devote to thinking about it. Person #3 contacted me that day; realizing something was wrong, but not knowing what. Once we had a chance to talk about it, it had turned out that Person #3 was dealing with the exact same thing and had been for quite some time. This person was able to put in to words all the feelings I couldn't quite explain. Also, it helped to hear from someone so empathetic considering they too were dealing with it. It's nice too know I'm not alone. However, Person #3 is somebody I love dearly, and I wish they could also overcome this. Talking to Person #3 give me a stronger desire to overcome this in hopes that maybe I could help them through it if I did.

Anyway, I overcame the depression and pushed the cynicism to the back of my mind. I began to feel somewhat indifferent. I knew my joy was still missing, but I was happy... it was a step in the right direction. I still felt distant though...

Friday night at our late night worship session I was trying to get in to it, but I could not. That's when Person #4 approached me. I explained everything, including how foreign this feeling was. I also told them how hard it was to pursue God under the circumstances. This person offered some very practical advice. This person said that God wants us to be faithful--that He's never distant... even if it may feel that way. Sometimes we just need to get on our faces and tell God how much we need Him. If we feel distant, it's never any fault of His. God won't give up on us. Person #4 prayed for me, and encouraged me.

I spent a lot of time seeking God that night. I got my joy back, and I don't feel distant from Him. I'm slowly regaining my respect for people, and my cynicism is fading away. I feel loved. I'm not quite where I need to be, but I'm heading in the right direction.

I asked God for some scripture... and this is what I got (James 4):

¹What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? ²You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. ³When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

⁴You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. ⁵Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?^a]"> ⁶But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."

⁷Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

I feel like God is telling me that I need to devote myself wholly to God--that I was feeling distant because He was getting jealous, and He allowed me to feel this way... perhaps because He knew I'd respond--perhaps because that's how I had been making Him feel. I hope it's not the latter. I feel terrible. I need to pursue God wholeheartedly. That's obviously the key to overcoming this. I fail a lot though... I need a lot of prayer, and a lot of help. Keep me accountable. Every time I feel like serving God wholeheartedly I fall away within a few weeks (or even days...). I don't want that.

I want to be His.
Lord help me.